


Blind Date

by DropTheBeet



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Blind Date, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Rating for sexual themes and language, but is very soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22334146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DropTheBeet/pseuds/DropTheBeet
Summary: Wade has got the most perfect date lined up for sweet lil Petey pie. They ticked every box. Rockin’ bod. Great sense of humour. Knows he’s Spidey and fully supports that. In fact, even a glorified red onesie so they can coordinate with the webslinger himself.He couldn’t possibly have gotten it wrong.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 21
Kudos: 415
Collections: Spideypool Bingo 2020 Round 2





	Blind Date

**Author's Note:**

> Slot one in my Spideypool Bingo Card. Ty to turnip and dave for checking my work over, ily unendingly

“Alright. This time, I got the perfect guy, Petey, I swear.”

Peter rolled his head to stare deadpan at where Wade was currently jamming himself through the window. Peter’s window. To his bedroom. 

He let his head loll back to where he’d been doing some reading on his laptop. He was way too hungover for this. “Not interested, Wade, and you could have called before just barging into my bedroom, I could have been naked or something.”

Wade squawked as he fell into the room, the shrill noise making Peter’s head throb harder. Wade sighed lovingly from where he lay sprawled below the window. “We can only dream, Spidey.”

Peter rolled his eyes, hoping that ignoring the problem may make it go away. Or falling asleep, that’s worked before. Just… quiet. 

Unfortunately, Wade just sat on his desk, the wood creaking beneath the weight of 6 feet of solid muscle. Peter scowled, not looking as he slapped at Wade’s kicking feet. 

Wade giggled, trying to play footsie with Peter’s half-distracted slapping. “C’mon baby bear, we’re so close to completing mission get-Petey-laid that I can  _ taste  _ the flavoured lube. Pineapple, right?”

Peter dodged Wade’s feet, shoving his ass off the desk entirely and trying to stay serious at Wade’s indignant squeak. “That’s gross, and I never asked you to do this. You chose to do this, without my permission, and I want no part in it.”

Wade flopped around dramatically, butting his head into Peter’s shins. “C’mon, Petey. Cuddle bug. Sweet, precious, summer child. You can’t expect me to leave a bro in need. Especially my bestest bro.”

Peter rolled his eyes, dragging a hand down his face before giving in and looking down at Wade’s mask nuzzling into his feet. “Okay. One. I was drunk and lonely and horny when I complained to you about my love life, it was  _ not  _ an invitation to try and…  _ fix  _ this. And two: I’ve already given you three chances. Three, Wade! And they were all terrible!”

“Aw, cmon, they weren’t that-”

“One, was a criminal that hated Spider-man-”

“Well, he seemed cool and he really liked your pictures-”

“The second!” Peter cut him off. “Was definitely a prostitute-”

“Which are perfectly acceptable partners-!”

“Yes! If she didn’t think I was just a client!”

Wade at least had the decency to look away at that, shrinking a little. “Yeah, my bad.”

“And the last one! Was a demon-”

Wade turned back, finger raised, before Peter swiftly cut him off. “AND your EX-WIFE!”

Wade’s finger flopped before he clasped his hands together, “We would have been the closest of bros! Sharing the same campsite-”

Peter kicked at Wade, who flinched away before trying to grab his foot. “Hey! No kicking a guy when he’s down! I thought you were one of the good guys!” 

Peter used his other foot to poke at Wade’s ribs, “Someone needs to do it. It’s talk shit get hit, and that’s all you ever talk.”

Wade squealed, attempting to roll away from Peter’s attacks while keeping his hold on his other ankle. Peter hopped across the room, jabbing his hands between Wade’s ribs and armpits. The larger man wriggled and laughed before regaining his composure and biting Peter’s ankle through the mask. 

Peter gasped, falling on top of Wade with a cry of “No biting!” He started trying to jab again, getting grappled but easily overpowering the merc and pinning him to the floor. 

He squinted down at his prey, watching Wade wriggle in his grip before finally giving up with a heaving chest. Peter smirked, “You’re lucky the shooters aren’t on, or it’d be so easy to torture you right now.”

Peter’s body jerked back at Wade’s harsh inhale, his ass barely grazing at a hard-

Peter shot up, eyes wide, face flaming and, hands up. “What’re you-?”

Wade sat up, hands moving to nestle modestly between his own thighs. “The perfect escape strategy! 90% of the time, it works every time.”

Peter rolled his eyes, collapsing back on his desk chair. 

“Now back to this date-”

Peter’s hand flew up to stop him, “No! I already said, as per your previous record, no! Never again!”

Wade cocked his head, leaning towards where Peter sat, “Aw, c’moooooon. This one is really good, I promise.”

“Like you promised last time?”

“Yeah, but this time, I have a good idea of what you want. Failure made me learn. Adapt. Overcome.”

Peter squinted at him, arms crossed until finally Wade started doing jazz hands. “I'll bite. What do you think I want?”

Wade sat up straighter, wiggling in his seat. “So! No demons, exes, or people you need to pay to be around you.” He ticked off his fingers as Peter snorted. “Someone who likes Spider-man, maybe even a fan, though that is a little narcissistic but we won’t get into that.”

Peter scowled but didn’t refute it. 

Wade continued, looking up to the ceiling as if thinking through his mental checklist. “Someone who can keep up with your sharp  _ whit _ ”, He could see Wade’s smirk as he mispronounced the word with purpose, “Someone you can talk to. That there aren’t awkward silences with.”

Peter leaned back, frowning as Wade kept on with his… weirdly accurate list. “You wouldn’t be disappointed with a totally rockin’ bod, although you aren’t that worried about appearances, but a work out buddy could be nice.”

Peter’s frown deepened. When had he-?

“Someone who won’t dig too deep into your mutant abilities, care, or maybe already knows. Hell, maybe even someone who rocks some spandex themselves.”

Peter’s eyes widened, hand to his mouth. Had he said something? He didn’t remember much after that fifteenth bottle of whiskey that he’d stolen from the Avengers tower, though he vaguely remembered Johnny Storm egging him on over Snapchat. 

Wade wiggled where he sat, clapping his gloved hands. “So, I got it right? The perfect blind date?”

Well he… seemed to be taking it really well. Really,  _ really  _ well. And an offer of a date? It wasn’t a prank? It could be, it was still Deadpool, but also… Did he want to miss this chance?

Wade was practically vibrating, he needed to answer. 

“Yeah”, His voice cracked a little. Fuck. “Yeah, pretty accurate, I guess.”

“So you’ll go?” Wade jerked towards him. God, if he had a tail, it’d be wagging. 

Peter swallowed. “Yeah, sure. Last chance.”

Wade whooped, jumping to his feet and whipping out his phone. “Okay! Yes! I’ve gotta organise a couple things to make sure this is perfect for my little stud muffin, so I’ll text you the details, ‘k gorgeous? Alright, kisses, byeee!”

The door slammed, Peter feeling a lot like how Dorothy must have when she landed over the rainbow. This… was this really happening? 

His flirting technique of doing nothing, dropping half-assed hints and then running away.... had worked. For the first time ever. 

He bit his lip, hands running through his hair as he laughed. 

He’d actually gotten his date with Deadpool.

**

Peter sat gnawing at his lip as he waited in the Italian restaurant that had been surprisingly fancy, yet didn’t bat an eye at his underdressed attire. He’d kind of assumed, with it being Wade, they’d end up in a Mexican place that was delicious but probably outdoors, and he didn’t wanna ruin any more of his nicer shirts with hot sauce. 

Maybe he should have expected the over the top first date from the romantic streak and flair for the dramatic that made up Wade. He smiled fondly as he traced his finger through the condensation on his glass of water. 

“Peter?”

Peter jerked, looking round to see-

“Matt?”

Matt smiled at Peter, “In the flesh. What’re you doing here. On a date?”

“Uh, yeah, I-” Peter froze, feeling the chill run down his face. “Blind date.”

He groaned, covering his face. “Wade, you fucking  _ didn’t. _ ”

Matt chuckled, taking the seat opposite. “So you  _ are _ who Wade got me to come see. He said you had a problem only I could help with?”

Peter whined, slipping further into his seat. 

Matt hummed, voice amused, “From your reaction, and the fact you said ‘blind date’, I’m guessing neither of us are here for what we expected?”

Peter peeked at Matt through his fingers, who was just smiling at Peter as he sipped some water. 

He sighed, flopping back in his seat and letting his hands drop. 

“Wade’s been trying to set me up on dates, because of this time I got drunk and complained about my… uh… love life.”

Matt pouted in thought, “Love life, or lack thereof?”

Peter groaned, Matt’s smile sharp as he clearly hit the nail on the head. 

“And why, pray tell, were you telling this to Deadpool if you weren’t expecting this reaction?”

Peter scowled, fiddling with the salt shaker and avoiding Matt’s eyes. Even if he couldn’t see, it still felt like he could look right through him. “I didn’t expect anything, I was just offloading, y’know. Like bros do.”

Matt snorted, “You know I can tell when you’re lying, Peter.”

Peter groaned, scrubbing his face with his palms. “Ughhhhhhh, I don’t know! Maybe… I thought… He’d… offer…”

“Oh, Peter.”

“I know!” Peter cried, tugging at his hair. “I’m a disaster! I always have been! But it’s like playing gay chicken and I don’t know what to do half the time and-”

Matt held up a hand, stopping Peter’s babbling. “You like Deadpool.”

Peter pouted. “I like Wade.”

Matt hummed. “Have you tried just… telling him?”

“Well, I’ve said about how my love life is-”

Matt cut him off, “You know how  _ Wade  _ is with his self esteem, right?” 

Peter frowned. “I don’t see where this is-”

“You think he would ever believe you were referring to him, unless you told him in the most blunt and honest way?”

Peter’s mouth opened before closing again. He continued gaping at Matt who just stared him down from across the table.

“Well, I- I mean… But…. It- it’s… It’s  _ embarrassing, Matt _ .”

Matt snorted, “Sure. Well then you can’t complain.” 

Peter opened his mouth, only to be cut off as a waitress walked over and asked for their orders, Matt smirking as he requested the day’s special. 

Stupid damn smooth blind bastard.

**

Peter shut the door with a sigh, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter as he toed off his shoes. 

He trudged towards the bedroom. Dinner with Matt had ended up being pleasant, and of course the other man ended up getting the waitress’ number  _ and  _ the number of the concierge. 

He grumbled to himself as he pushed at the door, Matt’s advice rattling around his brain before stalling at the sight of Wade in Peter’s sweater and underwear, tapping away at his laptop. 

He tangled up in several thoughts at once- The fact the oversized sweater that used to belong to Uncle Ben fit Wade so perfectly, snug across the shoulders, the fact he’d found his  _ Deadpool boxers,  _ and the fact he was in Peter’s  _ porn folder fuck- _

Peter squeaked, launching across the room to snap the laptop closed. Wade huffed, his breath playing across the back of Peter’s neck and making it stand on end. Peter flinched away, clutching the laptop to his chest. 

Wade smirked, the stretch of his scars familiar and his sparkling eyes as heartbreaking as ever. “Hey Petey, good date?”

“Wade! Why’re you-! Why-”, Peter indicated to Wade’s current attire, flapping the laptop with noises that didn’t quite constitute words. 

Wade shrugged, twirling in the chair. “Got covered in some alien goo near here, figured I’d use your fine establishment's facilities while you were off round double D’s place Netlix and chillin’, or whatever you millenials get up to. And I saw you got undies for me, super thoughtful, you didn't have to do that.”

“I- You- !” Peter sputtered before forcing a deep breath in through his nose, ignoring the blush that seemed to be stuck permanently across his face. “He's not a millenial.”

Wade grinned, “No, but judging from your search history, you’d be into that.”

Peter felt his face heat up, cursing himself for getting embarrassed. He clutched his laptop tighter to himself, “Why were you looking through my personal stuff?”

Wade leaned back in the chair, “Aw, Petey, you  _ know  _ I’m always gonna wanna rummage around in your personal  _ stuff. _ ”

Peter tried not to flush any harder at how Wade wiggled his brows, instead scowling deeper. "That doesn't answer my question, Wade."

Wade sighed, flopping back and swinging the chair in half circles. "I didn't look for it  _ specifically _ , but I wasn't gonna overlook the opportunity. Who doesn't just stream porn these days? It's like you  _ wanted  _ me to see."

Peter hid behind his fingers, steeling himself as Wade stumbled on a very specific fantasy that he was  _ not getting into right now, no sir.  _

"And speaking of porn, why aren't you making your own home movie right now sweet cheeks?"

Peter peeked through his fingers to where Wade was playing with a flip knife. He dropped his hands, refusing to look at those clever fingers turning the knife into a blur of motion. "I cannot believe you set me up like that!"

Wade glanced up, fingers flipping ever faster, "What do you mean? He's perfect. He ticks all those boxes you asked for."

"I asked for?"

Wade looked away, "Uh, I mean- "

"What do you mean  _ I asked for? _ " Peter definitely didn't squeak. 

The knife stilled, hands going up to defend Wade, "Look, I promised Drunk Petey I wouldn't tell on him- "

"Wade," Peter growled.

"- But I'm way more scared of you." The knife spun between his fingers. "So you  _ may  _ have called me when you were drunk."

"Oh no," Peter groaned, covering hiding behind his laptop. 

"Drunk Petey is so damn cute," Wade cooed, "So affectionate."

Peter could feel his neck burning as he crumpled in on himself.

"So you asked for a shining armour in red leather with a good sense of humour and I delivered! It was the ultimate  _ blind _ date. Pun intended. Please say you got that pun, because it was too perfect to pass up."

Peter was curled up in a ball around his laptop, groaning in despair. He'd been so obvious, it was mortifying. But far worse than that was that  _ Wade still hadn't got it. _

"I mean, I can help you with your flirting skills if that's the problem sugarpea, you know Daddy Pool's got you."

Peter glared at the floor. He needed to vacuum. "I doubt even you have the flirting skills to get this doofus to notice I'm flirting with him."

Wade scoffed, "Never underestimate me babe, you should have learned that by now. And Matt isn't that hard, he'll lift his skirt for anyone with a pretty face, and you got that down."

Peter shifted so he could peek up at where Wade now sat with his legs thrown up on the bed, balancing a knife on his fingertip. 

He very carefully ignored the way his stomach tried to launch itself into the room via his mouth. "I wasn't talking about Matt."

He watched as Wade frowned, nose scrunching in that way that Peter always had to try so hard to not reach over and just-

"Then who did  _ you  _ go on a date with?"

Peter barely resisted the urge to punch him in his stupid cute face. "Waaaaade."

"No, I'm pretty sure I'd remember if it was me you went on a date with, spideycakes." Wade's eyes narrowed as he glanced over at Peter, "Unless someone has been meddling with alternate universes? Ooh, so naughty."

"I hate you." 

"Understandable, really."

Peter smiled, unable to resist. Fucking idiot. "I love you."

The knife fell to the floor, swiftly followed by Wade with a squawk of surprise. 

Peter was frozen between laughing at the display and attempting to be swallowed into the floor. 

Wade's head shot up, the rest of him prone on the floor, eyes wide as he stared at Peter. 

Peter swallowed. 

"Did I just mishear y-"

"No," Peter definitely didn't squeak. 

Wade rolled up to sit, looking around him before settling back into staring at Peter as if he'd just grown a second head. And a tail. Or become an alien. What was weird to someone like Deadpool?

"Like a friend?" Wade's voice was hoarse. 

Peter glanced down at Wade's mouth before realising his mistake and fixing his eyes back on Wade's. 

He hadn't missed that. 

Shit.

He ignored how his full body blush was making him sweat as he shook his head. 

"Really?" Wade's voice broke. "Please don't say you're kidding, I don't think I can-"

"I'm not." Peter fidgeted a little, the carpet suddenly unbearably scratchy. 

Wade took a shaky breath before his face split into a dazzling grin. "Well, shit, Petey."

Peter's fingers twitched against the floor, laptop forgotten in front of him, his eyes flying back up at Wade's next admission. 

"Me too."


End file.
